Signs that you are no longer a kid (or even close)...

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"

You have a dream about prunes.

You answer a question with "Because I said so!"

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word equity means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

It seems that life goes by resembling somewhat of a bell curve of what is considered successful...

At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 10...success is...making your own meals.

At age 12...success is...having friends.

At age 16...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20...success is...having sex.

At age 35...success is...having money.

At age 50...success is...having money.

At age 60...success is...having sex.

At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75...success is...having friends.

At age 80...success is...making your own meals.

At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants.

You know you're old, when your mind and body aren't what they used to be. Did the fine print shrink? (This is called bifocals denial.) Do your knees buckle, but your belt won't? Have your beauty marks sprouted hair? Does the gleam in your eyes comes from the sun hitting your bifocals? Do your joints sound like Rice Crispies ... snap, crackle, pop? Does your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.? Have you been driving along thinking about stuff, and suddenly realized that you don't remember the last 3 blocks? Has a fortune-teller offered to read your face? Does your pacemaker make the garage door go up when you watch a cute guy/gal go by? Is the little gray haired person who helps you across the street, your spouse? Do you have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet? Have you sunk your teeth into a steak and had them stay there? Have you quit pulling out your gray hairs, because you could end up bald? Does your back/knee go out more than you do?

Does a dripping faucet cause an uncontrollable bladder urge? Have you seen territory on the scale that no one who isn't pregnant ever wants to see? Have you searched all over the house for something and finally found it ... right where it was suppose to be? Does the idea of laying on the floor to watch TV strike you as uncomfortable? Remember when you did it all the time? Have you dialed a number and then gotten distracted? When the person you called came to the phone, you had no idea who you called or why. Do you groan a little when you bend over or get up? What doesn't hurt, doesn't work, right?

You Know You're Old, If You Remember Ancient History. Did you watch or listen to Ed Sullivan, the Brat Pack, Max Headroom, Bobby Sherman, the Mamas & the Papas, K.C. and the Sunshine Band or Captain Kangaroo? Did you once own a lot of 45s ... records, not guns? Have your children studied events in history that you lived through .... the Kennedy and King assassinations, Viet Nam, the Bi-Centennial and the first landing on the moon? Did you learn to read with Dick, Jane, Sally, Spot and Puff? At one time, did you think pong, 8-track tapes or cars with fins were cutting edge technology? Dollar a gallon gas does not strike you as THAT cheap. You can remember when if was under 50 cents a gallon and full service, too.

Did you attended school when dress codes forbid girls to wear pants to class? ( They were considered too casual.) Do you remember girdles? (UGH!) Have things you owned shown up on Antiques Road Show? Is "25 Years Ago Today" your favorite part of the newspaper? Can you remember B.C.... Before Computers? Do you remember when they programmed computers with cards? (Shuffling them would drive the programmer really nuts.) Have the fashions of your youth come back in style? Do you look bad in them the second time around? Do you remember when the first MacDonald's came to your community or the first family on the block got color TV? As a kid, did your parents buy you tennis shoes because they were cheap? Can you sing the theme song to 'Green Acres,' 'Beverly Hillbillies' or 'Gilligan's Island.' Do you remember when sit-com couples slept in double beds and no one on TV talked about sex? When you were young, did you think the world would be like the Jetsons in the year 2000?

You Know You're Old, Because Your Spirit Is Willing... But the Rest of You Wants a Nap. Do you have to do math to remember your age? (OK, it's 2002 and I was born in 1954, so I must be 48.) Do you feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere? Do the current heartthrobs look like young pups to you? Do you get winded playing cards? Have your children begun to look middle aged? Do you no longer think of speed limits as a challenge? OK, maybe a little ... Do your children refer to your friends as 'the old ladies' and other equally depressing things? Do you regret resisting temptation? After painting the town red, do you have to rest a while before applying a second coat? Does dialing long distance wear you out? Have you found that you can't stand people who are intolerant? Is the best part of your day over when your alarm clock goes off?

Do you burn the midnight oil until 9 pm? Do you shop for comfortable shoes rather than cool ones? Have you told your children all rap music sounds the same? (Remember when you parents said that about your music?) Do you know what your company retirement plan is? Does it take twice as long to look half as good? Do you still chase members of the opposite sex, but you can't remember why? Does your mind makes contracts that your body can't keep? Do you look forward to a dull evening? Do you walk with your head high' trying to get used to your bifocals? Do you turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones? Have you sung along with the elevator music? (When the music of the 60's and 70's is played by 101 Strings in the elevator, it's just sad.) Have you been window shopping ( NOT talking about clothes here) and seen a fine looking member of the opposite sex? Then it dawns on you. They're young enough to be your kid. ( Men are not bothered by this, but it creeps me out.) Have you heard yourself say things that your parents always said ... and you hated? And finally... there is always having the worst of both worlds with zits and gray hair at the same time.

 

Old Age Alphabet

A's for arthritis,
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains - perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show...
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus - there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary... big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry - NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found;
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have - in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!


 

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in here for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a S---head among other names. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we talked bad to him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus...

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.

 

from, Barbara (Pond) Richard

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.  

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice boobs.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.  

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.  

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.  

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.  

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they have never been there before.

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Life was so much better when we were young."

I hear that a lot these days. How things were safer, simpler, even sexier back then (perhaps based on the theory that less is more).

My friend J.C. Spitznagel is a true believer in The Good Old Days.

Just yesterday he saw an article noting that when we were in high school, more than 50 years ago, the top seven discipline problems were “talking, chewing gum, making noise, running in the halls, getting out of turn in line, wearing improper clothes, and not putting paper in wastebaskets.“

"Know what they are today?" J.C. demanded.

He was going to tell me whether or not I even cared. He counted them off. "Drug and alcohol abuse. Pregnancy. Suicide. Rape. Robbery. Assault. And guns in the school."

As J.C. launched his usual rant about how today's world is going to hell in a hand basket, I began thinking about the huge changes we seniors have seen in our lifetimes.

Take health care. When I was a kid in Park Ridge, Illinois, old Doc Sergeant would come to the house to care for our extended family — including parents, grandparents, an aunt, cousins, and a "roomer" — all living under the same roof.

The doc charged five bucks a visit, no matter the affliction. Even post the “Quarantine Notice” on the front door if necessary.

To hear J.C. talk, everything after 1950 has been a menace to society.

Especially television, frozen foods, plastics, and credit cards.

Oh, he'll concede that dishwashers, electric blankets, air conditioners, and drip-dry clothes — all postwar innovations — probably aren't exactly inventions of the devil. Yet, down deep, J.C. would rather have his push mower and stoker-fed coal furnace than any of today's contrivances.

Talk to J.C. about radar, the pill, split atoms, laser beams, or Man walking on the moon, and he'll grumble that we're going where God never intended us.

Certainly, life was different back then. We got married first, then slept together. And, mind you, not in the same bed, at least never in the movies of those days. Back then, having a meaningful relationship was when your uncle took you to the circus.

Service stations had service. Fast food was what our Catholic friends ate during Lent. "Made in Japan" meant junk, and "making out" referred to how you did on your algebra exam.

Pizzas, Starbucks, and McDonald's were unheard of although, while in high school, I was present at the opening of the very first McDonald's ever, in Des Plaines, Illinois.

But who knew? To me, it was just a 10-cent burger joint.

Those days, a nickel would buy you a ride on the streetcar, make a phone call, buy a Pepsi (“Twelve full ounces, that's a lot!“) or enough stamps to mail one letter and 2 postcards. Gas was 16 cents a gallon.

The good old days meant climbing trees, cowboys 'n' Indians, chocolate milk, sucking on ice chips just cut by the iceman, licking Mom's mixer beaters, and catching lightening bugs in a jar. Also hard-to-push mowers, polio, and widespread prejudice.

All in all, I'll take today's life anytime. Heck, indoor plumbing and life-saving pharmaceuticals alone make the choice easy.

Lets' face it, if I'd been my age back in those good old days, I'd be dead right now. Most likely J.C. as well.

How about you?

© 2001-2009 — Frank Kaiser

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet? A mere child! Senior Citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile…

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted!

What am I now?
A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys.

I began to rationalize in my mind.

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!

It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.

I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.

What now?

I checked my keys and tried another.

Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I
was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius… And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- READ BELOW !

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today.

The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1991.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

The CD was introduced two years before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable..

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been microwaved.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel ', or 'de plane Boss, de plane'.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Notice the larger type?

That's for those of us who have trouble reading.